Bumpits, now available in dinosaur egg size

Here’s a snippet of  a text conversation I had with my boss today:

Chelsie: Hypothetically speaking, what words could I use to say “vagina” in a feature article? And can I say pubic hair? As in, “Oh, you may think it’s sexy, but really, I’m just sitting at home, watching Dancing With the Stars while I tear my pubic hair out by the roots.”

Chelsie: And how about forest? Like, “I needed a few weeks to, ahem, cultivate the forest?”

Kate: *laughing hysterically* Best random texts ever. I think the DWTS part may be a little too in your face.

Chelsie: I guess that means “70s style porno bush” is off the table, then.

Kate: OMG… Um, I feel like this a conversation we need to have over lots of margaritas.


Obviously, I have the best job EVER. How many people do you know who get to write a trip to the MAC counter off as a business expense? I get to go to Ulta every week and sample new products, all in the name of work.

And to top it off, I’m not above embarrassing myself for the amusement of my audience.

Part of my job involves taking outrageous beauty dares for the purposes of generating material for a series of feature articles on the new site. I’ve got the first one covered, but after that, I’m hoping that my readers can help me. After all, these are dares. It doesn’t make much sense for me to look at myself in the mirror and say, “I dare you to dye your hair blue for the day.” If I started doing that, Red would probably call the men in white jackets to take me away to a padded room where I carry on conversations with garden gnomes to my heart’s content.

So that’s where YOU come in, my gentle readers. Help me stay out of the looney bin by telling me what kind of crazy trend would you like me to take on. Would you think it was funny if I wore a Snooki sized Bumpit in public for a day? Should I force Red to take me to the movies while I’m wearing a leopard print Snuggie?

I need original ideas that will really put me out there–really push me as a writer and a dignified human being. I want to take this opportunity to, ahem, come out of my shell.

I’m not used to standing out in a crowd. I’m usually quite adept at blending so that no one notices me. I have serious self-esteem issues. Serious enough that at times, I wish I had a pair of magical sunglasses to make me completely invisible. Sure, I can stand up in front of a class of judgmental  adolescents and lecture about cell biology, but the entire time I do, I’m conscious that 52 beady little eyes are watching me and probably picking apart every unflattering feature on me.

It’s kind of ridiculous for me to feel that way if I’m going to be responsible for writing about beauty three times a week. I need to find my own inner beauty, even if it means making the outer me look like a complete fool in the process.

So I need your help. Anything that is submitted needs to be legal–I’m not going to get arrested to get myself for public indecency because I left the house wearing only nipple tassels and a few strategically placed Mardi Gras beads. (I do have a family to think about, after all.)

You can post suggestions here on Three Ring Mom, or you can email me at my new (legit, yo) work address: chelsiematthews@charmfashionagency.com

Delurk and do eeeeeeet! You know you want to.


About Chelsie

Mommy. Beauty product whore. Plastic lawn flamingo enthusiast. Nosy neighbor. One day novelist.
This entry was posted in Makeup and Beauty Sites. Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to Bumpits, now available in dinosaur egg size

  1. Pat Smith says:

    Ooh, well, the bump-it is probably out, since Snookie has now deleted it from her look…I’ll have to give this one some thought! Nothing so tame as Mis-matched knee socks with mis-matching sandals?

  2. Michelle says:

    Do purple streaks! Do purple streaks! (In your hair, obviously.) (I might be biased.) (But seriously, join me in the crazy hair color!)

    Haha, I don’t know enough about what’s current in the fashion world to do too many dares. Can you wear one of those crazy-ass Philip Treacy hats from that Project Runway episode a few weeks ago?

    Lime green eyeshadow?

    Purple lipstick?

    A Lady Gaga meat dress?

  3. Kate says:

    *sigh* I would love a Treacy hat.

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