Safaris gets me hot, too.

We took Boo to the Wild Wilderness Safari in Gentry, AR last Friday. It was colder than shit, but we had fun any way. I took about seven thousand pictures, and approximately six thousand of those were of my kid chasing various birds.

Because we are good parents, we put our child on a leash when we're in public.

Boo wanted to pet the baby kangaroo, so Red did what every good dad would. He captured the poor thing and held it hostage so Boo could completely ignore it.

The first of many (many, many, many) birds Boo chased.

HOLY CRAP, Y'ALL. We got to feed the baby camels. Obviously God was happy with us this day, because He's shining a golden halo of pure AWESOMENESS down on us.

Scritches for the baby camels.

No! Boo! We do not CHEW ON THE CAMEL'S BOTTLES. Geez, it's like you were raised in a freaking barn.

A baby camel. Attempting to eat my baby. Parenting FAIL.

A baby lemur (King Julius, duh). Attempting to eat my baby. Parenting FAIL number 2.

Watching the tootles (giant ass turtles) walk around. Slowly.

At this point, our toes and fingers were feeling kind of numb and we figured we should do the smart thing for our child and get him in the everloving car so we wouldn’t have to explain to some nosy doctor why our toddler’s extremities were black and rotting away with frostbite and gangrene and the Dengue fever we caught from letting monkeys using him as a giant, salty chew toy. So we loaded up in the car, Boo sitting on my lap in the front seat–I don’t wanna hear about responsible that move was–and went on the safari part of our Wild Wilderness adventure.

The park has several hundred acres where exotic hoofstock roam around, free from cages and conventional methods of confinement. They also have a herd of emu that attack cars and peck at windows as people drive by. I’m terrified of emus. They’re fucking velociraptors with feathers, and they are the most evil looking bird you will ever see up close. I mean, God. Steven Spielberg could have borrowed a few of these motherfuckers to make Jurassic Park more realistic. I can’t think about them without breaking into a cold sweat.

One came up to our SUV and starting tapping at the window. Boo thought it was funny when I starting yipping like a wounded coyote, but GAH. I had a bad experience the last time we drove through this place because while I was trying to take pictures of a mother buffalo nursing her calf, one of the sneaky bastards started leaning into the car to peck my eyeballs out. IT WANTED TO EAT ME.

This time I kept the windows up, but I swear to God, I had nightmares that night about getting eaten by flying velociraptors any way.

Seriously. Look those eyes. PURE EVIL. Tell me that's not a fucking dinosaur with feathers. I DARE YOU.

Boo communicating to the emu in bird Morse code: "If you don't leave us alone, my daddy will run over your giant, feathery ass."

A wild bald eagle flew in to terrorize the local water fowl. I tried to point out its magnificence to Boo, but he was more interested in the air vents on the dashboard. Eh, patriotism is lame, any way.

At this point, we came to a little ravine where an SUV was parked. It’s not unusual to come across a parked car in the park, because you often have to stop for animals to wander by, and sometimes it’s just fun to watch the animals let loose with a stream of pee that would make a urologist blush. That day, however, we had only seen one other couple in the park, and they had disappeared while we were letting Boo terrorize the baby baboons in the monkey house.

This time, though, we couldn’t figure out what the people were looking at. There weren’t any water buffaloes in the stream that ran through the ravine, and as far as we could tell, nothing interesting was going on.

Until we looked more closely through the Jeep’s back window. It looked something like this:

No, I didn't take this picture. PERVERT.

Red looked at me, and I looked at him. “Are they doing what I think they’re doing?” he asked.

“They’re doing i-t!” I said. (And yes, I spelled it, lest Boo’s delicate ears pick up on the fact that we were talking about S-E-X.)

So yeah, apparently this couple got all hot and bothered watching a red deer scratch its balls with its ginormous horns. After we’d been sitting there for about thirty seconds just, um, observing, I was about to suggest we honk or tap on the windows or take a few photos (for posterity, ya know), but then a guy popped up, pants around his ankles, and flew over the center console. And then we were left staring at two tail lights fading into the distance. We started to follow them slowly, and after a while, we saw a girl pop up from the backseat. From that point on, we only saw them one other time, and they were frantically making their way to the front gate.

Heh. Safaris totally get me hot, too.

The dramatic chipmunk's cousin, the judgmental prairie dog, knows what we had just seen. He was all, SINNER! CAST YE INTO THE FLAMES OF HELL!

Boo: It's a tookey, Mommy! Me: Dude, those things peck.

Alex's newest friends, the muntiac deer. They used him as a toddler salt lick, and he loved them so. Now Red thinks it would be a great idea to have a few of these things running around in our backyard. I agree. Wholeheartedly.

My absolute favorite shot of the day: Boo chasing bird number 11,000. He's nothing if not persistant. He followed that thing around for ten minutes, trying to stroke his sweet, feathery head.

What can I say? The need to chase those of the feathery persuasion runs in the family. I’ll admit that I’m a long time stalker of peacocks, much to my family’s chagrin.

Boo was unimpressed with the goats. They stunk, and all they wanted to do was go through our pockets looking for bread. Or crack cocaine. One of the two.

By the time we got through with the goats, the sun was setting and it was time for us to go. Boo was exhausted, and fell asleep as soon as I finished dousing him in Purell. We’ll definitely go back.

The two humped man beast in the SUV is very interesting in the wild.


About Chelsie

Mommy. Beauty product whore. Plastic lawn flamingo enthusiast. Nosy neighbor. One day novelist.
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One Response to Safaris gets me hot, too.

  1. Pingback: Three Ring Mom does NaNoWriMo (again) | Three Ring Mom

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