We took Boo to the Wild Wilderness Safari in Gentry, AR last Friday. It was colder than shit, but we had fun any way. I took about seven thousand pictures, and approximately six thousand of those were of my kid chasing various birds.
At this point, our toes and fingers were feeling kind of numb and we figured we should do the smart thing for our child and get him in the everloving car so we wouldn’t have to explain to some nosy doctor why our toddler’s extremities were black and rotting away with frostbite and gangrene and the Dengue fever we caught from letting monkeys using him as a giant, salty chew toy. So we loaded up in the car, Boo sitting on my lap in the front seat–I don’t wanna hear about responsible that move was–and went on the safari part of our Wild Wilderness adventure.
The park has several hundred acres where exotic hoofstock roam around, free from cages and conventional methods of confinement. They also have a herd of emu that attack cars and peck at windows as people drive by. I’m terrified of emus. They’re fucking velociraptors with feathers, and they are the most evil looking bird you will ever see up close. I mean, God. Steven Spielberg could have borrowed a few of these motherfuckers to make Jurassic Park more realistic. I can’t think about them without breaking into a cold sweat.
One came up to our SUV and starting tapping at the window. Boo thought it was funny when I starting yipping like a wounded coyote, but GAH. I had a bad experience the last time we drove through this place because while I was trying to take pictures of a mother buffalo nursing her calf, one of the sneaky bastards started leaning into the car to peck my eyeballs out. IT WANTED TO EAT ME.
This time I kept the windows up, but I swear to God, I had nightmares that night about getting eaten by flying velociraptors any way.
At this point, we came to a little ravine where an SUV was parked. It’s not unusual to come across a parked car in the park, because you often have to stop for animals to wander by, and sometimes it’s just fun to watch the animals let loose with a stream of pee that would make a urologist blush. That day, however, we had only seen one other couple in the park, and they had disappeared while we were letting Boo terrorize the baby baboons in the monkey house.
This time, though, we couldn’t figure out what the people were looking at. There weren’t any water buffaloes in the stream that ran through the ravine, and as far as we could tell, nothing interesting was going on.
Until we looked more closely through the Jeep’s back window. It looked something like this:
Red looked at me, and I looked at him. “Are they doing what I think they’re doing?” he asked.
“They’re doing i-t!” I said. (And yes, I spelled it, lest Boo’s delicate ears pick up on the fact that we were talking about S-E-X.)
So yeah, apparently this couple got all hot and bothered watching a red deer scratch its balls with its ginormous horns. After we’d been sitting there for about thirty seconds just, um, observing, I was about to suggest we honk or tap on the windows or take a few photos (for posterity, ya know), but then a guy popped up, pants around his ankles, and flew over the center console. And then we were left staring at two tail lights fading into the distance. We started to follow them slowly, and after a while, we saw a girl pop up from the backseat. From that point on, we only saw them one other time, and they were frantically making their way to the front gate.
Heh. Safaris totally get me hot, too.
What can I say? The need to chase those of the feathery persuasion runs in the family. I’ll admit that I’m a long time stalker of peacocks, much to my family’s chagrin.
By the time we got through with the goats, the sun was setting and it was time for us to go. Boo was exhausted, and fell asleep as soon as I finished dousing him in Purell. We’ll definitely go back.
The two humped man beast in the SUV is very interesting in the wild.