More Tricks Than a Hooker

Every Tuesday, I recap the previous week’s The Fashion Show Ultimate Collection for Charm Fashion. This is the uncensored version, which contains language that may be considered offensive by some. If you don’t like four letter words, stop reading now.

The Fashion Show Ultimate Collection Uncensored: Episode 2 Recap

There’s a formula to reality based competition TV series: the show always opens with a tribute to the late, not-so-great contestant who was kicked off on the last show. The Fashion Show is no different.  The House of Emerald Syx spends exactly 2.75 seconds talking about Francine’s exit in the previous challenge before they dissolve into argument once more. In the history of reality television, there has never been a more dysfunctional group of people. And that’s including the Osbornes. Creepy Mike the Hat Guy would also like you to know that Cesar’s win on the last challenge was a mistake because, duh. THERE ARE NO SNOW LEOPARDS IN AFRICA. Thanks for that, Encyclopedia Mike.

The designers receive information about their next challenge via a manila envelope slid under the door, James Bond Style. I fully expected the thing to self-destruct in someone’s hands as they read it.

The Challenge: Create a design inspired by the inner workings of the human body.

Iman may be the most fabulous thing to ever grace a runway, but even she can’t hide her discomfort when she’s standing there right next to a gen-u-wine used-to-be-living human body introducing the challenge.

Cue a montage of the designers getting up close and personal with dead bodies—which is totally okay, because it’s all done in the name of fashion, y’all. As Eduardo said, “It’s kind of creepy.” Why yes sir, YES IT IS, but judging by the smarmy look on Creepy Mike’s face, it’s right up his alley. (Surprise, surprise.) Straight David would also like you to know that he’s inspired by the vagina. Because of course he is. For the love of God, he was giggling when he said this.

The House of Nami immediately sets off deciding what direction their collection will take. They work as a single unit, functioning like they’ve got one gigantic brain, and plan their collection around bones, blood, flesh, and muscle. When they present their mood boards to Isaac Mizrahi, he is intrigued by the darkness of the collection. He’s right. It is dark—there’s a distinct Dexter  kill-the-baddies-so-the-goodies-can-live-peacefully vibe to every look.

The House of Emerald Syx, on the other hand, cannot stop arguing long enough to agree on a central theme for their collection. When Isaac meets with them, the only thing they can agree on is the fact that they disagree. Mizrahi looks uncomfortable as he speaks with them, as if he doesn’t know whether to hold their hands and treat them as the kindergarteners they’re behaving like, or simply admit defeat. He points out that their name is ironic, as they are indeed, only five in number. He advises them to drop the Syx from their name (thanks, Mizrahi– I couldn’t go on typing that blasphemous name all season long),elect a group leader, and basically get their shit together.

The Twist: Because every good challenge needs a twist, right? Mizrahi informs the designers that one of the pieces from each designer’s final ensemble must be reversible. Really? Didn’t we just spend half an hour last week griping about how Calvin’s looks were hokey multi-purpose floor mops?

At the fabric store, each team chooses a palette of blood red, nude/flesh tones, and pink. Their choices resemble the inside of the pickled cat I had to dissect in Comparative Vertebrate Anatomy in college, and when I realized that, I honestly felt the gorge rising in my throat. Dead bodies and fashion? What’s next? Picking the materials for their garments straight off a trash barge in New Jersey?

Back at the workroom, looks start coming together quickly for the House of Nami. Eduardo’s garment employs creative pleating and strains his time limit. Creepy Mike ups the creepy factor (again!) when he decides to channel his inner serial killer and give his plain white fabric a new pattern by whipping it to death with hunks of yarn drenched in calf’s blood red dye. The end result looks like a multi-victim crime scene, or the aftermath of a seventy percent-off sample sale at Bergdorfs.

Tamara’s teammates decide her garment is not cohesive within the collection and bully her incessantly about her lack of pleated detail. Did someone say “peer pressure?” The House of Emerald is similarly divided over the way one of the designers wants to style to the models for the runway. Apparently, someone thought it would be a great idea to wrap sheer ivory tulle around the models’ heads during the runway show. Calvin and his new BFF Tamara vehemently disagree with the other members of their group, and Calvin sums it up thusly: “Hell to the no.” Calvin couldn’t be more right. Since when is looking like you’re about to rob a convenience store a chic look for the catwalk? No. Just no.

As the day comes to a close, Creepy Mike decides he doesn’t like the outcome of his slaughterhouse dye job, so he decides to construct a skin tight fleshy-pink number that makes his model look like she’s being suffocated by an Ace bandage. And then he goes and eats some noodles.

After much contemplation and badgering by his teammates, MIKE COMPLETELY LOSES HIS EVERLOVING MIND. I could only stare at the screen in horror as he picked up a pair of scissors and began to hack his garment into teeny, tiny pieces. And then he walked out, saying “At this point, [he] didn’t care if [he] wins or loses.” Yeah, buddy. You’ve clearly lost it. They make pills for that sort of thing.

Mike’s teammates are left in the lurch. They know they must show a complete, six-look collection on the runway, so they decide to slap together a simple, floor length gown at the last minute. Right before the runway show, Tamara is finally coerced into adding a sad little cocktail napkin-like fan of red fabric to the neckline of her dress.

House of Nami's Sixth Look

 

The runway shows were less than stellar to say the least. During the House of Emerald’s show, I was more intrigued by the ultra-long spine superimposed on the catwalk than the garments themselves. The House of Nami’s designs were all fleshy and forgettable—not a single one stood out. The sixth look the team pulled together in record time is one of the prettiest of the bunch.

And the winners are…

Designer: Eduardo

The judges praise the House of Nami for their unique, cohesive collection. (Really?!) Mizrahi in particular responded positively to the cat-gut colored fabric choices and detailing meant to resemble human sinew. Out of all of the looks, Eduardo, with his reversible skirt that makes his model’s rump look like another continent, is crowned the winner.

The losers this week…

The only thing cohesive about The House of Emerald’s entire collection was the deep, blood red palette,  and even that wasn’t consistent throughout the runway show. (I’m talking to you, Calvin.)

Designer: Tamara

Unfortunately for Tamara, caving into her teammates’ demands for the inclusion of pleated detail on her garment lands her in the bottom. I honestly feel bad for her. The the dress (without that damn off-center square on the neck) is cute, if a little safe. The jacket is clearly an afterthought, included only to meet the criteria of the challenge.

Designer: Calvin

Calvin’s design baffled me. The judges loved the whole “It’s a dress! No, it’s a backpack! No, wait! It’s an emergency parachute for base jumping!” schtick. Iman declared that the garment had “more tricks than a hooker.” I didn’t get it. And neither did Mizrahi. When Calvin was trying to explain his concept, the judges leaned in closer and crinkled their brows, clearly wishing that subtitles would magically appear under Calvin’s chin and explain what the hell he was saying. Mizrahi told Calvin that he “may have more talent than anyone else [in the competition]” while reminding him that he has to play well with others if he wants a chance on the fashion tire swing at recess.

In the end…

Creepy Mike’s dramatic exit saved the House of Emerald from losing another member. However, the producers seem to have sensed that the show was going to dissolve into a puddle of shouting and predictable outcomes, so they ordered one member of the each house to switch places. Fast-talking Calvin abandons ship to side with the House of Nami, and Cesar wisely switches teams to work with the House of Emerald.

The Fashion Show Ultimate Collection airs every Tuesday at 10/9 Central on Bravo.

***All images courtesy of BravoTV.com

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About Chelsie

Mommy. Beauty product whore. Plastic lawn flamingo enthusiast. Nosy neighbor. One day novelist.
This entry was posted in Makeup and Beauty Sites, The Fashion Show. Bookmark the permalink.

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