Don’t Teese Me!

Every Tuesday, I recap the previous week’s The Fashion Show Ultimate Collection for Charm Fashion. This is the uncensored version, which contains language that may be considered offensive by some. If you don’t like four letter words, stop reading now.

The Fashion Show Ultimate Collection Uncensored: Episode Three Recap

We’re three episodes in, and I’m still feeling a little like The Fashion Show is the clarified butter sauce to Project Runway’s lobster. Both are good, but given the choice between the two, I would rather point to a ginormous lobster in a tank at some swanky seafood place and tell him, “You. You will be very tasty, my friend,” straight to his whiskery little face. Wouldn’t you?

Thought so.

Moving on… The challenge this week finds the designers in a nightclub of sorts. I was honestly really, really excited at this point, because I instantly thought, “Strippers!” but alas, it was not so. It would have been really fun see Calvin design a nipple tassel-inspired evening gown for a buxom young lass called Chrissy Boom Boom, no?

The Challenge: The designers must create a collection of nightwear inspired by the classic femme fatale, a character who is “impossibly charming, but whose charms could prove deadly.” (Also known as Melrose from Cycle 7 of America’s Next Top Model. You can’t make this stuff up.)

The Twist: Iman informs the designers that they will only have (gasp!) twenty-four hours to create their looks, and everyone immediately picks their jaws up off the sticky nightclub floor and dashes out to create mood books for their conferences with Isaac Mizrahi.

Surprisingly, Calvin seems to have turned a new leaf in his work with the House of Nami. He’s remarkably well-behaved throughout his team’s initial conversations. They decide to go with a black and purple color story, which Mizrahi declares is “the best pallete” because it’s simple.

On the other hand, the House of Emerald immediately defers to the expertise of the older, wiser (?) Dom Cesar, who decides to choose ticky-tacky lace to tie their jewel toned palette together. Hrmm. Jewel toned disco vamps? Riiiiiiight. Just as long as your models’ skin doesn’t sparkle on the runway like a Cullen in the sunlight.

The entire fitting and design process goes by quickly (and without any scissor happy mental breakdowns) as both Calvin and Ro use their own bodies as dress forms for fittings. See, Ro! Mizrahi was right when he said you’d make a perfect model in a pinch.

It’s obvious throughout the design process that Golnessa is struggling. Her garment includes poorly executed long sleeves tacked onto a green sheath dress. While it fits in with her team’s overall aesthetic, the poor construction and lack of inspiration separate it from the pack as efficiently as a lion stalking a wounded, newly-birthed wildebeest.

On the other hand, every garment the House of Nami is working on begins to look chic and very much in the spirit of the challenge. I’d honestly hate to run into a stiletto-wearing, gun (or fang)-toting woman wearing any one of these garments, especially if it were in a dark Brooklyn alley at night. In the snow. And rain. And, um, if the Wicked Witch of the West was siccing her flying monkeys on me. They’re kind of scary and femme fatale-y, right?

The Fashion Show… The exquisite Dita Von Teese acts as a guest judge for this challenge, and if I’m being honest with myself, I’d much rather see HER as a permanent judge than that other tight-lipped chick. She watches the show with apparent disinterest, but DAMN. Does she look fine doing it. This woman is sex on legs.

The winners this week… Despite Cindy’s insistence that it’s her team’s chance to lose, the House of Nami scores a huge third win. It’s not hard to see why. Each garment is more fabulous than the last, and I can honestly see angelic Dita wearing winner Eduardo’s hooded frock.

And another twist! Eduardo’s punishment prize for winning this week is that he gets to nominate a member of his own team to meet with the losing team on the catwalk for elimination. All in the name of keeping his team strong, he names Calvin, even though Calvin’s garment was well-received by the judges.

And the losers are… Too bad for the House of Emerald. Even with Dom Cesar’s help, they just couldn’t pull it together. Unfortunately, a lace on each garment does NOT make a cohesive collection, and Dita chimes in that, “Hair, makeup, and a hat does not a look make.” Surprisingly, they are wildly uninspired by Cesar’s look, because it looks overworked, and in Dita’s words, “The femme fatale does not try too hard.” Tamara’s pant and jacket combo that strikes them as particularly discordant, something that could be bought in 1982 on the sales rack in North Beach. She and Golnessa, who was never able to resolve the problems with her lace sleeves, make up the bottom two.

Designers: Golnessa (top)and Tamara (bottom)

In the end… Tamara’s sale rack look is out of fashion. In a completely unexpected show of emotion, Calvin offers to leave the show in Tamara’s place. How genuine this offer is is yet unknown, because Mizrahi tells Calvin he needs to stay on the show and try to win it.

I guess we’ll just have to wait and see if that one works out, Mizrahi.

The Fashion Show Ultimate Collection airs every Tuesday at 10/9 Central on Bravo.

***All images courtesy of


About Chelsie

Mommy. Beauty product whore. Plastic lawn flamingo enthusiast. Nosy neighbor. One day novelist.
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