What’s For Dinner, vol. I

Blargh. Day 3 of Snowmageddon/OhSnowYouDidn’t/Super Special Ice Event 2011 and I still haven’t been able to get out of the house. My car, while adorable, does not like inclement weather, and I’m sure as hell not going to chance having to pay a $1500 deductible to satisfy my Sephora craving. And (AND!) we’re supposed to get another inch of snow tomorrow.

Can’t a girl get a break?

Being stuck at home is sucking away my creativity by the second. It took me over an hour to write my 200 word daily content for Charm and I’m still not completely satisfied with what I submitted. I need a fresh injection of inspiration straight into my veins (in the form of some retail therapy) just like my nasty winter hair needs a good haircut a new bottle of Argan oil shampoo.

*****

Exhibit 1, while Red was playing a soccer game on the XBox tonight:

Red: I’m so good at scoring.

Chelsie: (waggling eyebrows suggestively) Yeah, you are. Heh. Heh.

Exhibit 2, five minutes later:

Red: Ooooooh, I nailed that one good.

Chelsie: (waggling eyebrows suggestively) Yeah, you did. Heh. Heh.

See? I never have to stoop to the cheap sex pun level. Well, almost never. I need to get out of the house. I’m desperate.

*****

Dear Sweet 8 pound 6 ounce baby Jesus all wrapped up sweet and cozy warm in your dead people’s clothes,

Please let me be able to leave the house tomorrow. Mama needs some new eyeliner.

Love, jazz hands and Amen,

Chelsie XOXO

P.S. Say hi to your dad for me. Dude’s been a little hard to get a hold of these days, what with the unrest in Egypt and all. Tell Him that I’m rooting for Him, and that images like this melt my hard, black heart and make me see the good in humanity again.

*****

At the risk of sounding really boring, I don’t have any creative or witty vignettes to share. All I did today was clean my house for the sixteenth time this week and make a dinner that ultimately stunk (stank?) up said clean house. But the stir fry I made was fucking awesome. And full of garlic. Which is probably why is was so fucking awesome.

I simply can’t keep all the awesomeness to myself any longer. So without further ado:

Chelsie’s Impossible to Fuck-Up Stir Fry


You’ll need the following:

  • 1-12 oz pkg Birds Eye Steam Fresh Whole Green Beans
  • 1-12 oz pkg Birds Eye Steam Fresh Asian Medley
  • 1-12 oz pkg fresh mushrooms, thinly sliced
  • 1 small onion, thinly sliced
  • 2 Hillshire Farm Bratwurst links, chopped into 1/2 inch coins
  • 2 Tbsp (that’s TABLESPOONS, yo) minced garlic
  • 1 tsp lemon pepper
  • 1/2 tsp fresh lemon -OR- lime juice
  • Dash of EVOO
  • Whatever else the fuck you want–it’s stir fry.
  1. Ignore the directions on the SteamFresh veggies. Steam the packages separately for three minutes per bag, or just enough to take most of the stiffness out of the green beans. Set aside.
  2. Chop the fresh veggies.
  3. Throw a dash of EVOO into the bottom of a large non-stick pan/wok and turn the stove up to the setting just below the temperature of Satan’s steamy grundle (or really effing hot, if you don’t speak Jackass). When a drop of water bounces off the bottom of the pan, it’s ready.
  4. Throw your mushrooms in and saute until they’re cooked to the tenderness of your choice. I like mine really done, with no bite left in them. Set aside in a separate container, unless you enjoy mushy ‘shrooms. If that’s the case, throw yourself off your roof.
  5. Saute onions until translucent. During the last 30 seconds of cooking, add the minced garlic.
  6. Add bratwurst coins and saute until browned.
  7. Throw the rest of the veggies, lemon juice, and spices. Cook for three to five minutes, tossing frequently to avoid scorching.

That’s it. If you can boil water, you can make stir fry. It’s delicious and somewhat healthy depending on what you decide to add at the end. In deference to Boo’s more sensitive, discerning palate, I also served up some simple pigs in a blanket, made with packaged crescent rolls and more Hillshire Farm brats.

Om nom nom. I think I’ll go have some leftovers and watch re-runs of US of Tara. That broad’s problems make my housebound-ness a little more palatable.

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About Chelsie

Mommy. Beauty product whore. Plastic lawn flamingo enthusiast. Nosy neighbor. One day novelist.
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2 Responses to What’s For Dinner, vol. I

  1. maggie may says:

    that stir fry looks awesome. thanks!

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