I’m a bad, bad person. And not just because I laugh at the misfortune of others.(I’m talking to you, LadyWhoseSpandexShortsMightCauseOurNeighborhoodToSpontaneouslyCombust.)
I’m a bad person because I’m perpetuating the one man sideshow that is Charlie Sheen by following him on Twitter. (Not related: I am a bad person for the sheer fact that I am douche-y enough to have a Twitter account.) I hate to admit it, but I love a good celebrity trainwreck. And y’all, this mushroom cloud of self destruction makes last year’s Meltdown Mel fiasco feel like a warm summer breeze caressing your bare backside.
“I am on a drug – it’s called Charlie Sheen. It’s not available because if you try it, you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.”
So rare is a quote like this; it’s like owning a unicorn that poops tropical flavored Skittles all over your backyard. It’s like having a leprechaun guide you to the gold at the end of the rainbow and stealing the little bastard’s stash of booze. It’s like watching two otters hold hands while weeping tears of pure butterscotch.
In a word, it is AWESOME.
But hold onto your nutsacks. It gets better:
“People can’t figure me out, they can’t process me, I don’t expect them to. You can’t process me with the normal brain. If you borrowed my brain for five seconds, you’d be like, ‘Dude! Can’t handle it, unplug this bastard!’ It fires in a way that’s maybe not from, uh… this terrestrial realm.”
You might think that’s the apex of crazy, but then he hits you with this one:
I’m different. I have a different constitution, I have a different brain, I have a different heart. I got tiger blood, man.”
This man, he is a God among men. He is Christmas in
July March. There is nothing that can convince him he is not invincible, even on a bender, banging 7 gram rocks of cocaine that “made Sinatra, Flynn, Jagger, Richards, all of them look like droopy-eyed, armless children.”
I’ve never met Keith Richards, though it is a lifetime ambition of mine, but if what Mr. Sheen said is true (and let’s face it, a man with tiger blood coursing through his veins doesn’t lie) we’re in for a hell of a ride over the next few months.
Like Six Flags, only free!