A conveniently bulleted list for your reading pleasure:
- The fact that I overheard a mulleted hillwoman wearing jorts and a Dale Earnhardt, Jr t-shirt (with the sleeves cut off, naturally) say: “Check over yonder with Bubba. He might have anothern.” She was talking about a Bud Light Tall Boy.
- The fact that I could identify a Dale Earnhardt shirt from fifteen feet away. Clearly, I’ve lived in the South too long.
- Arbor Day. Yeah, that’s tomorrow and no one cares. We’re going to a cookout at Mr. Badass Recipe’s house for a night of grilling and hard drinking. I, of course, will be bringing drinks that people with vaginas will enjoy because (besides being in possession of said ladybits) I like my liquor sprinkled with fairy dust.
- What MacGyver is doing these days. That dude could rock a mullet. He could teach all the rednecks around here a thing or three. (Wait, he’s still alive ISN’T HE?)
- The fact that WordPress knows to correct MacGyver from ‘MacGuyver” but does not recognize the word soliloquize. It’s a legitimate verb, dammit.
- Whether Sarah Palin is a legitimate candidate for the GOP nomination in 2012. Dear Lord, that woman SCARES me. She has access to high powered firearms, the religious right, and the whole of the Tea Party Nation. And she knows how to use them. There’s no winner in that circle of mindfucks.
- If I’ll ever learn to keep my mouth shut about things like politics and religion. All signs point to not fucking likely.
- If my kid will hate me for forcing him to eat nutritious food. Today I forced him to eat potatoes. Like, FORCED him. Shoveled the food into his mouth and watched him chew every bite. It was ugly.
- Whether I’ll be able to handle being responsible for the care and feeding of more than one child at a time. Because although I want a baby, I’m pretty sure about six months into that adventure I’ll be killing goats and making offerings to Satan just to make the screaming stop. (My screaming, of course.)
- If I should get my boobs done. All signs point to YES. (They’re the gift that keep on giving!)
Okay, so I lied. It’s embarrassing to admit, but I’m more than a little excited about this whole tax-payer funded shindig. I can’t wait to see what Kate Middleton’s dress will look like. I am a woman, so I have to care. Natural selection declares it so!
Also, the thirteen year-old girl in me is positively weeping tonight because…. WILLS! We were meant to be together, baby. I just know the Queen would love me.