Y’all, I am a magnet for weirdness.

I don’t know what it is, but something about me–or perhaps my family–just seems to draw in the crazies. It’s like we’re all holding blinking neon signs above our heads that say PLEASE TO BE SHARING YOUR CRAZY! Or maybe we’re like animals and give off a pheromone that attracts them, like carrion beetles to those rotten meat flowers or sharks to an open wound. They circle us, then come in for the kill.

Case in point: This morning, I caught a half-naked man attempting to bathe himself, soap and all, in our outside spigot.

I’ll wait until you stop laughing.

So there I was, minding my own business and making Boo’s breakfast on a rainy Sunday morning, when I heard the unmistakable sound of the outside faucet being turned on. (It’s unmistakable because it sounds exactly like a Roomba vacuum cleaner having sex with blender.) I paused for a moment to see if it would stop like it would if the neighborhood children were messing with it, but it didn’t. So I did what I do best–contorted myself into a half standing, half crouching position and peeked out from a crack between two slats in the blinds, ninja style. It’s my patented if-I-can-see-you-but-you-can’t-see-me-watching-you-I’m-not-really-that-nosy stance. I use it a lot to spy on the neighbors and make sure they aren’t running a black market organ procurement program out of their garages. And y’all, it works.

But it didn’t take any degree of ninja stealth to catch this guy. He was kneeling on the grass beside our house, scrubbing his pits. In the rain. I’m pretty sure my mouth dropped open when I saw him start rubbing soap into his Grizzly Adams beard.

Naturally, I couldn’t keep this to myself. I sprinted back to our bedroom where Red was still asleep. I catapulted myself onto the bed and poked him in the shoulder vigorously. “Baby. Wake up! There is a man outside RIGHT NOW. A half naked man. OUTSIDE. Washing himself in our spigot.”

Red rolled over, pushed his sleepy mask off his forehead, and smiled. Like it was no big thing that a bearded hobo was about to be cleansing his jiggly bits on our front lawn.

Because in the grand scheme of weird things that have happened to us, it really wasn’t that weird.

Does stuff like this happen to anyone else?

Edited to add: Holy shit, y’all. THE NAKED MAN IS BACK. HE’S SCRUBBING HIMSELF IN OUR SPIGOT. AGAIN. And he looks just like the Adam Sandler’s caddy from Happy Gilmore. (Google that shit. You’ll laugh.) That’s TWO times in ONE day. I think that’s the universe trying to tell me something.

Edited again: Holy shit, y’all. What if this hobo has been living in our next door neighbor’s house this whole time? Like Casper the Homeless Bearded Ghost? AIIIIEEEEEEE!


About Chelsie

Mommy. Beauty product whore. Plastic lawn flamingo enthusiast. Nosy neighbor. One day novelist.
This entry was posted in No one else will think this is funny, Weirdness and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.


  1. mairedubhtx says:

    This is one of the strangest things I’ve ever hear. Weren’t you scared half to death?

    • Chelsie says:

      I would have been scared… if I weren’t so mortified! The guy looked like the product of a gorilla’s one night stand with a sasquatch. Hairy. Round. Knuckledragging.


  2. Mishelle says:

    Wow… your neighborhood is way more interesting than mine!!!!!

    The most I have is cranky old man who watched to see if anyone is doing any home renos then calls the town so the house can be re-assessed!!


    • Chelsie says:

      You would think that for the amount of rent we fork over every month the crazies would stay somewhere cheaper. Or somewhere with padded rooms.

      And that guy in your neighborhood? He sounds like a jackass. I’m still 12 years old in my heart, so if I heard he was doing stuff like that, I’d pull a Billy Madison and leave a burning bag of poo on his front porch.

      • Mishelle says:

        I’m not saying it was me (as it wasn’t) but I do believe stuff was done…

        If I was to do something like that karma would bite my ass so fast and so hard I’d be in the hospital recovering for months. The last couple years I think a bad thought and go thru some serious bad luck… I’ve begun to think Loki is in charge of my life.


  3. Jess Witkins says:

    ROFL! I can’t believe he came back! Once was funny enough, but the fact he came back is priceless. Didn’t you go out and yell at him? I’m pretty sure that’s public indecency. lol. Wow.

    • Chelsie says:

      The worst thing about it is that he came back AGAIN. Like after he had come back the first time. AND HE BROUGHT A FRIEND. So it was Grizzly Adams and his meth addled friend take a spit bath in our front yard.

  4. Sandy says:

    You can always put up a sign that says “You’re on Candid Camera” or “Turn Nob to Release Waste Water ” and see if that keeps him away.

  5. carriepulliam says:

    I’m still laughing.
    This is TOO good to be true. Unfortunately-or maybe fortunately-it is.
    Weirdos (like this one) keep us laughing and that’s a good thing!
    But I can’t say anything like this has happened to me… I wish.

    • Chelsie says:

      This is one of those things that I could never make up. Real life for me is way weirder than my imagination. And that, my friend, is a dark, dank black hole.

  6. Pingback: I’m here. I’m alive. And I’m scared. | Three Ring Mom

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s