Congratulations! If you’re reading this, you’re a filthy heathen.

Guess what? WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE. Soon(ish). Maybe. Probably. At some point. Because you know, the rapture is supposed to happen at 6:00 PM today.

Does anyone else read rapture as raptor? Just me? That's a little awkward.

But… It’s after 6:00 in most of the world, and we’re all still here. As far as I know, no one has been poofed out of existence, and there have been no extraordinary or catacylsmic events heralding the end of times. There was some kind of volcanic eruption in Iceland, but come on. That’s gotta be some kind of weird coincidence.

When I went to Walmart this afternoon to get a tire fixed, a group of ten or fifteen rather, ahem, zealous people were standing on the side of the road with their children(!), waving signs with scripture passages about how all the unworthy souls were going to burn in the fiery pits of Hades for all eternity. I contemplated buying some posterboard so I could stand beside them holding a sign that said HONK IF YOU’RE UNWORTHY! but Red told me that would be in poor taste. (Good thing he didn’t know that what I really wanted to do was place some empty clothes and shoes filled with dry ice in our front yard. Now that would have been tacky.)

But just in case I was wrong about you know, dying, I did a little prep work: a little lady grooming, because I didn’t want to end up at the Pearly Gates with hairy business. I painted my nails with a gel acrylic overlay, in case I needed to do some Holy Eye Gouging. And I cleaned the toilet in the guest bathroom. Because, um, I didn’t want my decidedly unworthy landlord to know how filthy my family really is after we were all raised into the Blessed Lightness.

I think I’m ready. How about you?

About Chelsie

Mommy. Beauty product whore. Plastic lawn flamingo enthusiast. Nosy neighbor. One day novelist.
This entry was posted in Family, I should probably just apologize ahead of time, Nerdness, No one else will think this is funny, Red and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

10 Responses to Congratulations! If you’re reading this, you’re a filthy heathen.

  1. Deborah the Closet Monster says:

    In the shore of awesome that was this entry, two particular waves rose to even higher levels of awesome than the rest:
    (1) That picture. Oh gawd, that picture!

    Thanks for sending me off to bed with a smile 🙂

  2. Michelle says:

    I wish you’d done it. And I wish Red had taken a picture. I think that would go down in Internet history. Or at least make for a really funny meme.

    Also, you are most definitely not the only one with the “piles o’ empty clothes” idea. That’s the first time I’ve heard dry ice, though. Excellent addition.

  3. Harri says:

    It is pretty damn windy in Malta today, like, totally windier than usual…

  4. Maibel says:

    jajaja very cool, from what i heard many people in Spain committed suicide because they didn’t want to burn in fire during the rapture.

  5. kate says:

    i kinda feel sorry for those people, i mean what do they tel their kids now that it didnt happen? ‘ooh well, we must have gotten the dates mixed up’ ??
    i particularly like the businesses that popped up to take care of your animals and house and such after you ascended! and the fact that PEOPLE PAID THEM! wonder if now they get sued?
    So many questions!
    So much entertainment!

  6. People with hemorrhoids can’t die in the rapture. Because their asses are already on fire and the ass fire combats the hell fire and ultimately vanquishes the hell fire to a tiny smoldering cigarette butt. No pun intended.

  7. Miss Obvious says:

    Dear sweet Kate from above in comment line, don’t feel bad for those parents cause I was raised by them and you will be amazed at how quickly God changes his mind, about everything, so the kids may actually know the rapture isn’t coming, but hey, who wants to be grounded by reciting more scripture. Holding signs at least is in the “action.” I used to get saved every day just cause I felt bad for the preacher.
    Now, at 33, I go to lunch and pray for the people still listening to seven more aisle calls.
    As far as the Three Ring chick, I am so glad you ain’t the average mommy.
    I said on facebook I was taking deposits, cash only for the rapture, certain people would want all pets and aging parents taking care of when they went.
    Don’t judge me. It was half the price they give Pat Robertson, but he will be gone anyways, so best I join the hoodlums left behind.

    • Chelsie says:

      OH MY GOD. I sincerely hope all that was sarcastic. After reading the ‘About’ on your page (and PS, please don’t link your page at the bottom of comments) I’m fairly sure you ARE being sarcastic. If not, I’m sincerely worried about your mental health. They make pills for that sort of thing.

  8. Missobvious says:

    Oh my goodness! How funny. I saw your comment in my phone, got nauseous not remembering what I had written, but knew I had needed to change that page for a long time now.
    You see, I’m afraid to read my own blog. I have had some serious um obstacles pop up lately, and the blog has helped me be sane, even though I did get on meds a month ago after not being out of bed for six days. I decided you had given me that inner push to face the life I believed was once beautiful and face not only what I am, but what I want to become. (This is the type of stuff mentally ill people say when they are scared shitless), but when I saw this I nearly died!! You thought I was serious about the rapture stuff? Childhood, yes, Rapture, hell no. But, it is fun to be taken seriously when most who know me well rarely do, even when I’m not kidding 🙂
    Does that mean I’m off the hook for the “About ME” page I’m avoiding?

  9. Brandy says:

    I think the rapture happened, I just don’t know anyone that was taken.

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