Some people just can’t take a hint.

Goddamn, those Jehovah’s Witness people are stubborn. Stubborn and freaking aggressive. Icing on the cake of a fan-effing-tastic day, lemme tell you.

Let me set the scene:

So there I was, enjoying some peace and quiet while that slavering honey badger living in the second bedroom Boo was taking a nap. I hadn’t changed out of my pajamas yet, my sweater puppies weren’t caged, and yesterday’s mascara had smeared all around my eyes while I slept, making me look something like a deranged half raccoon. On downers. The stress-migraine hammering away at my skull had decided to migrate south to my shoulders and neck, and there it fornicated with a good old-fashioned sternum-melting case of acid reflux to make some really, really ugly babies. (Really ugly. Like unibrowed, flipper-limbed baby ugly.)

All I wanted was a little time to sit in the darkness to feel sorry for myself.

And then someone knocked on the goddamn door.

I usually ignore people who knock on the door, because they’re usually just trying to sell me something or gain entrance into the house so they can evaluate the street worth of my electronics. (Here’s a hint: not very much.) So of course I pretended not to hear it, figuring the kind of fucktard who elected to walk around knocking on stranger’s doors in the middle of the day while it’s 115° outside would quickly lose interest and leave me alone.

Not so. The knocking continued, interspersed with hushed conversation about (presumably) the abhorrent condition of my the dead patches all over my lawn. Obviously, they weren’t going away until I opened the goddamn door to see what they had to say, so I threw a blanket around my shoulders, poncho-style, to conceal my swinging bazongas and cracked the door a fraction of an inch.

Two small women dressed in polyblend slacks and shortsleeved button down shirts stood there, clutching handfuls of pamphlets. I knew immediately what they were.

Chelsie: Can I help you?

Woman 1: Do have a minute to talk about our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ?

Chelsie: (indicating the poncho-blanket) Um, no. Not really. I’m kinda in the middle of something.

Woman 2: It won’t take but a second.

Chelsie: (raises eyebrow) —

Woman 1: Have you ever given any thought to where the word Jehovah comes from?

Chelsie: Um, not really. Look, I really am–

Woman 2: You see, Jehovah comes from the Hebrew word meaning God. And Jesus is God.

Woman 1: (shoves a pamphlet at my chest) You’ll see in this literature–

Chelsie: Look, I know you mean well and all, but here’s the deal. I’ve got a rally at Planned Parenthood, then a doctor’s appointment for my hemophiliac son to get a blood transfusion, and then we need to go to a birthday party for our gay friends’ adopoted Somalian baby. We’re a little busy today. (Starts to close the door.)

Woman 1: What would be a more convenient time to call on you?

Y’all, I just laughed. Laughed and closed the door in their righteous faces. Because obviously someone (not naming names) thinks it’s really funny to subject a suffering woman to the religious right before she’s even had her first dose of caffeine of the day.

I give up.


About Chelsie

Mommy. Beauty product whore. Plastic lawn flamingo enthusiast. Nosy neighbor. One day novelist.
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8 Responses to Some people just can’t take a hint.

  1. A friend of mine was using them as free language tutors 🙂 Well, the topic was more or less the same, obviously 🙂

  2. The Woman Formerly Known as Beautiful says:

    I keep a flame-thrower by the front door for Jehovah’s Witnesses, Mormon missionaries, Moonies, evangelicals who cheat on their wives with male escorts while snorting Liquid Plumber, any women who don’t have belly fat and Sarah Palin. It’s very effective.

  3. Jennifer Charter says:

    At least you only get attacked by Jehovah Witnesses. I get them, the missionaries, and I live across the street from one of the eight (town population doesn’t even come close to hitting a thousand) churches. Every Halloween I get dirty looks for my extravagant cobwebs and the faux gravestones. (God forgive me, I take my kid trick or treating) Then, I have to hear a little old lady whining because I put up decorations where she normally parks (in MY yard). Since I refuse every year to attend their Christmas program, I’m sure I’m a Satanist.

  4. Michelle says:

    Just tell them you’ve been disfellowshipped. Jehovah’s Witnesses aren’t allowed to talk to anybody who’s left the religion.

    • Chelsie says:

      I’ve thought about it, trust me. But there’s something in me that won’t allow me to actually do it. (Probably the fact that chasing religious people away from our homes is something of a sport in my family…) It’s like they’re attracted to my house. Like they can smell the sin coming off me.

  5. Maibel says:

    something like that happened in my house, i pretended not to speak spanish (i live in dominican republic) and the old lady called her daughter that for some reason spoke spanish, english, french and sing language… its hard to get away from them

  6. Carol says:

    I just answer the door nekkid with a beer and a cigarette, works for Witnesses and Mormons.

  7. justanothertiredmommy says:

    HILARIOUS response–I’m stealing it!

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