Someone hold muh earrings. This could get ugly.

Today was a good day. Even the part where I almost had to cut a woman at the children’s playground in the mall. But more on that later.

My furry best friend is back. He’s been living with my parents since Boo was born, but now he’s back where he belongs: curled up in a ball beside me, shedding white and orange fur all over Hell and half of Georgia. Even though he’s kinda of a special needs, pogo stick kitty now, I couldn’t be happier. (Red, on the other hand, is going to reserve judgment until we can get him rehabbed enough to actually pee in his litter box and not all over the plastic on the wall beside it.)

Do you have any expensive shoes you would like me to destroy?

Boo is equally as thrilled. He loves this cat. Loves him a little too much, perhaps. We have to be very careful when they’re in the same room, so that over-eager little hands don’t divest him of his remaining functional rear limb. Because that… would suck. Big time.

So after my parents dropped the cat off in his new luxury accomodations (ie: our master bedroom), I decided to take Boo to the mall so he could run off some of his IGOTTANEWKITTYANDHEMAKESNOISE!!! energy around in the children’s play area. Up until last week, I avoided this place like the plague because A) I don’t like other people’s children, and 2) other people’s children are germ factories. But then my mom pointed out that Boo needed socialization, lest he turn into that kid in pre-school this fall. (The one who can solve multi-variable algebra at age four but doesn’t like to play with his peers at recess.) (Or the one who asks for an abacus at Christmas.) (Also known as: a future software engineer who doesn’t mind supporting his mother in the lifestyle to which she has become accustomed.)

I knew she was right, so I armed myself with GermX and prayers and and set him free to run wild with the feral children who inhabit such places. And y’all, he was so happy.

Don’t get me wrong, we go to the park a lot when the weather is nice. But the weather right now? Is not nice. So our only options for safe play is indoors, very close to the air conditioner. That way our eyeballs don’t melt out of our skulls. Because I kind of value my eyesight. It helps me pick out teh krazees.

But, um. Whoops. I don’t remember where I was going with that last train of thought. Mister Kitty, Lord and Master of the UnderRealm demands my attention. And scritches. But not the clacky-clack typing noise I’m making. He’s all, cut that shit out and rub muh belly, woman.

Bow to me, for I am your new Master.

Oh yeah, the part where I almost knifed a bitch.

So we had been at the play area for a about five minutes when another mom and her friend sat down beside me. They de-shoed their offspring (ew, feet) and started talking about all the other kids who were playing.  Boo had just come down the slide in front of us, smiling like pig in mud, when one of the women pointed straight at him.

Woman: Now his curls are cute. But my Henry? He’s definitely prettier.

Friend: Yeah, Henry is pretty. That one kind of looks like a girl.

Chelsie: (strangled breathing) —!!!

I almost shat myself. Had they uttered another word, I would have lost it. I’m talking SOMEONE HOLD MUH EARRINGS CAUSE BISHES GONNA DIIIIIIIIE! But you would be proud of me. I just called Boo over to me, dropped a kiss on his sweaty little noggin, and sent a very pointed, very hairy stinkeye over at the two women. (And I told Twitter. Because you guys have my back.)

They didn’t say a word after that.

I let Boo chase their eleven-toed, bucktoothed kids all over for an hour then packed his sweaty self up into the car to go get ice cream.

I bet Henry didn’t get ice cream. His mom isn’t as cool as me. Duh.

About Chelsie

Mommy. Beauty product whore. Plastic lawn flamingo enthusiast. Nosy neighbor. One day novelist.
This entry was posted in Boo, Cat Lady Confessions, Family, Internetland, Nerdness, No one else will think this is funny and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

9 Responses to Someone hold muh earrings. This could get ugly.

  1. Moms that have nothing better to do than talk shit about other kids (unless they’re oh my god insane and don’t ever give them sharp objects) are NEVER as cool as the ones that buy ice cream for their kids. Also, thank you, because you just gave me the idea on what I’m doing tomorrow. Kids area at the mall! My husband hates you in advance I’m sure.

    • Deborah the Closet Monster says:

      Seconding this. While it may be unavoidable to have an occasional passing thought about one’s own child’s special awesomeness, I’m hugely disturbed by the thought of sitting and playing comparison games. I can’t really think of who wins such games, but I can think of several parties who lose. :/

  2. That Henry kid could be the most beautiful child on Earth, but it doesn’t count for shit, because his name is Henry. At least Boo (glad I re-read this and changed his name to Boo) is adorable AND has a good name. Boo wins.

    • Michelle says:

      That Henry kid could be the most beautiful child on Earth, but it doesn’t count for shit, because his name is Henry.

      Thank you for my morning “tea up the nose oh God it burns” moment.

  3. Lisa Freeze says:

    You’re so funny. I think I love you. Not in the gay way; jovial maybe… I took my two-year-old terrorist–err, angel-faced boy, to the mall today and all I got out of it was this lousy tee-shirt (and a tunic, pair of earrings and some $.99 sandals – yes girl, Wet Seal was rockn some summer sales). I certainly didn’t get an ass-kickn (nearly) story out of it. And even those great-deal sandals cost me $5 in the “race car buggy” rental, $6.00 in a train ride, and $3.75 in a cup of strawberries just to coax my spawn into an actual store for four minutes. Gee when I type it, it sounds a lot like I got bamboozled. Point being, I loved your mall story. Thanks for sharing! :^ )

  4. Aunt Patti says:

    I would have to agree with Brittney – Boo DOES win!!!!!!! Love you guys!!!

  5. CrazieTown says:

    I learned something new today – that you should take off your earrings before a fight. Good to know!

    Thanks for making me laugh today!

  6. Stacey says:

    That is messed up in so many ways. Plus I’m sure Henry loves being called the prettiest boy of all.

  7. Kristen says:

    Dude, I’m so not going to play well with others if I’m ever a mother. This kind of shit makes me so angry.

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