So. I’ve been gone for a while. Again. Apologies.
It’s not that I’ve been busy, but I’ve been busy. I started making Christmas presents in August and I’m still not done. I started (then failed spectacularly at) NaNoWriMo. I applied to yet another university so I can finish my degree. I actually put up a tree this year, even though I only decorated the part that you can see from the front. I contemplated putting up Christmas light outside, then decided glaring at my ghetto neighbor’s 8 foot tall blow-up Santa and Frosty abominations would suffice. I read the entirety of Brittany’s Barefoot Foodie archives. (She’s way funnier than I am, and hotter too. I’m totally jealous. And smitten.) I started a million posts in my head, then never finished them.
What can I say? I’ve got problems with follow-through.
So yeah, I know I’ve been a bad blogger. I guess that means I deserve to have my frequent shopper card revoked from the liquor store or something. I dunno. But these are things I do know:
1. Wanda Sykes is the funniest part of every movie she’s in. I’ll cut the bitch who says otherwise. (Monster-in-Law, Evan Almighty, Clerks II, etc.) You know I’m right.
2. My kid could totally be on the cover of Parents magazine. I mean, COME ON. The little girl this month must have hired Mariah Carey’s postpartum retouchers or something because she looks like the product of a drunken one-night stand between Matthew McConaughey with Brad Pitt. It’s ridiculous. At least my little critter looks real.
3. Christmas shopping is so much harder when you have to accomplish it with a really mouthy preschooler in tow. I love my child. I do. But I wanted to pop his little mouth tonight when we were walking away from the fish tanks at Walmart. Because apparently ten minutes is NOT a sufficient amount of time to stare at goldfish destined to end up in the bellies of larger fish. And because that’s not enough time, everyone shopping in the store needs to know about it. LOUDLY.
4. I get nervous when my blinker doesn’t flash in time with the car in front of me when I’m turning. So that’s why I play the turn-mine-on-and-off-until-it-does-game. It’s the same logic I use when I stare my cat down when he looks at me. If he blinks before I do, I WIN.
5. The little rituals I make up to celebrate the holiday season are absolutely necessary to ensure everyone else’s happiness. For example, I must watch either Home Alone 2 or How I Met Your Mother while I wrap presents or the entire celebration is doomed. DOOMED!
6. I should probably be on medication for anxiety disorder and/or mild OCD. But I don’t insurance. So I embrace the crazy.
7. Red is the one for me. He gets my crazy (and knows how to talk me down from the proverbial ledge). Besides being an awesome dad, he knows how to talk me out of wanting various creatures of the Cervidae family. Because even though they can be housebroken, they still need gigantic wee-wee pads.
8. Even though I had a dream wherein I had a dream that I went out clubbing with Prince Harry and he complained that his balls smelled like barbeque sauce while he danced the safety dance, I’m not completely crazy. Because I told Twitter. And someone retweeted me. That means that there’s someone even crazier than me out there.
9. I’m definitely getting older. One chicken sandwich from Braum’s and my hands swell up like a toad (that’s a real thing, right?) and I can’t get my engagement ring off my hand.
10. Also? Lactose intolerance is not just something vegans make up to diss people who like dairy products and delicious, delicious meat. I take the OTC pills every fucking day to prove it.