I’m a mom. I’m also a blogger. But I’m not really a mommy blogger.
A quick peek at my archives would lead a lot of people to think that I’m full of shit, just like the time your elementary math teacher tried to convince you that all squares are rectangles, but not all rectangles are squares. (I’m still not convinced about that one, lady.)
Sure, I have a kid. I post pictures of him and write about him occasionally. Despite the fact that the post previous to this one features a naked, gore-covered baby picture, the childling is not the only thing that ends up here in internetland. There’s also vibrators and Zombie Jesus and neighbors who look like Lou Ferrigno.
Obviously there are a lot of misconceptions out there about moms who blog. Hell, a lot of them have been perpetuated by the moms themselves. So I’m going to clear those up for you, okay?
FALSE. It is true that we once mashed our genitals against those of a member of the opposite sex in a (drunken) union that resulted in a tiny, helpless being who will hog the next 18-30 years of our life, money, and energy. However, we do not think we’re better than you because of this. Mostly we think about getting a single night of uninterrupted sleep. And maybe some more of that drunken genital mashing.
2. Our children all have weird names that you can’t spell or pronounce phonetically.
False. I assure you, my kid has a totally normal name in real life. It’s a classic one that both his dad and I liked with a middle name that we borrowed from family members on both sides. (He does have a cutesy internet alias, but not because I envision myself as some sort of celebrity who must christen her offspring Fern Red or Ivy Blue or fricking Apple Green to mark him as unique and make him successful in life. It’s really just because I don’t think he’ll appreciate the general public having access to his name and a photo of him sitting on the singing devil potty fifteen years down the road.)
3. Our entire day consists of stalking formula companies on social networking sites, wiping butts, and drinking wine out of a box.
False. I do my fair share of butt wiping, but there’s definitely time left in my day to enjoy normal things. Like stalking celebrities on Twitter. And catching up on old episodes of the Vampire Diaries on Hulu. And you know, actually pursuing a career outside the home. (The wine drinking doesn’t take place till much later in the evening.)
4. If you meet us in person, you better be prepared to see some boobies, because those puppies are getting stuffed in someone’s face at some point. And that someone is not you.
False. It’s probably TMI, but I have gimpy boobs when it comes to breastfeeding. They didn’t exactly work as planned the first time around, so as much as I wanted to, I never got to whip them out in front of friends, family, or the cable guy. (Like, Surprise! Who wants creamer in their coffee? I ate some M&Ms last night, so it’s chocolate flavored today, betches!) However, I will show you my gnarly potato peeling scar if you ask nicely enough. I probably should have gotten, like, three stitches in that bad boy.
5. We’re all Conservative Christian homeschoolers who dress like extras on Little House on the Prarie.
False. I love my child, but God help me, his little ass is going to public school as soon as he’s old enough. I may have 7/8 of a BS in Biology with Secondary Teacher’s Licensure, but that doesn’t mean I have the patience (or critical thinking skills) to teach him elementary level mathematics. Also? I’m an unapologetic, tree-hugging liberal ex-Catholic, so there goes that whole she’s-a-crazy-Creationist-with-a-clown-car-for-a-vagina thing.
What do you think? Are there any misconceptions and/or stereotypes I missed?